A Modern How-To for the Boudoir

Dear Editor,

While browsing my local used book store, I came across a title I had not seen in decades. It was How to Make Love to a Man by Alexandra Penney. Being a person who is open to the idea of continual self-improvement, and wondering if I had been doing it incorrectly for over forty years, I purchased this small book. I had the advantage of The Joy of Sex in the 70’s, which was very helpful regarding mechanics. But my mother never mentioned sex or joy, so this title made me feel I might have missed something due to her neglect.

I made a study of this book, and have written a very relevant and up-to-date How to Make Love to an Old Man, drawing on the earlier work and conducting extensive research at a nearby nursing home. The boomer market is still strong, since most of us believe we are entitled to feel good all the time. I can say this because I am sixty-two years old and not ready to give up anything. This book will sell. I realize that How to Make Love to a Man was not a big seller, but it was printed in 1981. Back then, we all thought it was a funny title and didn’t want anyone to see us buy such an admission of clumsiness. Besides, there was Cosmopolitan, and it had fashion. I would like to write a follow-up for the early teen market titled, Why You Should Just Wait Until He Grows Up: it has nothing to do with morality.

I recognize that any single one of these titles might make a feminist’s eyes bleed, but my experience teaches that with an old man, you must be willing to make the effort.

The book opens with the “Story of J,” an older woman who feels like she has lost her touch (truly, she has). The following chapters include:

→ The Six Things Men Do Wrong That Are Not Your Fault

→ Why You Should Avoid Fifty Shades of Grey, and He Should, Too

→ Telling Him What You Are Going To Do Before You Do It

→ The Important Difference Between Asking and Whining

→ How to Give a Massage When You Probably Won’t Get One Back: Avoiding Resentment

→ Kegels: How Long Does It Take, Anyway?

You will, of course, get an even clearer picture of the content as you read these and other chapters.

Finally, (and I say this in the forward), it is important to note that I do not think anyone is too young to read my how-to book. Although this book is primarily for older women, it is always smart to look forward and be prepared.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best to you in all things,
Betsy Rumpus

Angela Kubinec is a native of South Carolina who holds a Physics degree from the College of Charleston, and taught Mathematics for eighteen years. Her work has appeared in Carve Magazine and elsewhere.